Category Archives: wrath

His amus­ing bal­loon anim­als in a vice

By Mat | Published: November 17, 2006

The fol­low­ing true story con­tains a greater pro­por­tion of uncouth words than is nor­mally tol­er­ated here at matlarkin.com. In keep­ing with our fed­eral government’s push for a return to tra­di­tional fam­ily val­ues, there­fore, these have been sub­sti­tuted with family-friendly equi­val­ents and italicised for ref­er­ence. We trust this will not affect the read­ing exper­i­ence. Thank you for your time.

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Our con­dol­ences also go to the Irish Rovers.

By Mat | Published: November 17, 2006

What are we to do, when the impend­ing choice is between the Devil and an eejit?

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Unfa­vour­able in appear­ance, devel­op­ment or behaviour

By Mat | Published: June 6, 2006

I’m afraid this is going to be an unpleas­ant story, for it begins with the fol­low­ing words: I am sprint­ing des­per­ately up Lygon Street at three minutes to five shak­ing a jar of my own urine.

Also posted in caffeine, complete mortification, micturation | Comments closed

Who the Arse Does Tim Brooke-Taylor Think He Is?

By Mat | Published: December 23, 2005

There’s a man com­ing to fix my TV, which tried to neck itself last week after inad­vert­ently being left on for a whole epis­ode of Threshold, and the repair com­pany is only able to give me an appoint­ment time accur­ate to the nearest geo­lo­gical epoch.

So I’m forced to spend a whole day stuck inside the house wait­ing for him to come, a job made much more dif­fi­cult by the neces­sity to avoid the fact that it’s a nor­mal work day and I should be inside the house any­way, actu­ally work­ing. Here’s how it goes:

Also posted in Evil Sulphura, The, complete mortification, editorial consultant, not writing | Comments closed

Broke, bit­ter, usu­ally half-cut by lunchtime

By Mat | Published: December 20, 2005

Two months ago, as I was in Las Vegas shoot­ing Osama bin Laden with a machine gun, a man con­nec­ted to the pub­lish­ing industry was read­ing the choicest extracts from my novel. Before him were two stacks of paper: one piled heavy and high and marked ‘NO’, the other much shorter, marked ‘YES’ and, I’d like to think, haloed with tinkly stars dan­cing to a heav­enly coloratura.

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Today on Springer…

By Mat | Published: August 2, 2005

“Every­day girls with kinky fetishes”

JERRY — How do you feel, Meathead?

MEATHEAD — I think I might have just won the lot­tery, Jerry. Tell me, how can I become a more par­ticpat­ive ele­ment of this shabby por­no­graphic burlesque?

Also posted in not writing, sex, sloth | Comments closed