Category Archives: wrath

His amus­ing bal­loon anim­als in a vice

The following true story contains a greater proportion of uncouth words than is normally tolerated here at matlarkin.com. In keeping with our federal government’s push for a return to traditional family values, therefore, these have been substituted with family-friendly equivalents and italicised for reference. We trust this will not affect the reading experience. Thank you for your time.
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Our con­dol­ences also go to the Irish Rovers.

What are we to do, when the impending choice is between the Devil and an eejit?
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Unfa­vour­able in appear­ance, devel­op­ment or behaviour

I’m afraid this is going to be an unpleasant story, for it begins with the following words: I am sprinting desperately up Lygon Street at three minutes to five shaking a jar of my own urine.
Also posted in caffeine, complete mortification, micturation | Comments closed

Who the Arse Does Tim Brooke-Taylor Think He Is?

There’s a man coming to fix my TV, which tried to neck itself last week after inadvertently being left on for a whole episode of Threshold, and the repair company is only able to give me an appointment time accurate to the nearest geological epoch. So I’m forced to spend a whole day stuck inside the house waiting for him to come, a job made much more difficult by the necessity to avoid the fact that it’s a normal work day and I should be inside the house anyway, actually working. Here’s how it goes:
Also posted in Evil Sulphura, The, complete mortification, editorial consultant, not writing | Comments closed

Broke, bit­ter, usu­ally half-cut by lunchtime

Two months ago, as I was in Las Vegas shooting Osama bin Laden with a machine gun, a man connected to the publishing industry was reading the choicest extracts from my novel. Before him were two stacks of paper: one piled heavy and high and marked ‘NO’, the other much shorter, marked ‘YES’ and, I’d like to think, haloed with tinkly stars dancing to a heavenly coloratura.
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Today on Springer…

"Everyday girls with kinky fetishes" JERRY - How do you feel, Meathead? MEATHEAD - I think I might have just won the lottery, Jerry. Tell me, how can I become a more particpative element of this shabby pornographic burlesque?
Also posted in not writing, sex, sloth | Comments closed