By Mat | Published:
May 5, 2007
We’ve ordered Thai food. ‘They say we can pick it up in twenty minutes,’ says the Evil Sulphura.
‘We should leave here in twenty minutes,’ I say. ‘It always takes at least half an hour, and I always end up sitting in that crowded bit at the front, waiting with all the other gullible losers who […]
By Mat | Published:
January 2, 2007
Oscar, The Evil Sulphura and I have gone to see the new Bond film, Casino Royale. The first ten minutes takes place in a men’s bathroom, in which a fight involving broken urinals and wildly spraying plumbing leads neatly into Bond’s iconic flip-around-and-shoot-the-cameraman move.
It is exciting and violent and it awakens an urge deep in my bladder.
By Mat | Published:
June 29, 2006
People are asking me questions.
“Yes,” they say, “it’s all very well, all this business with burgling and urine portage and the lesser-known works of Danny DeVito, but didn’t you used to be an unrequited novelist?”
“Well – ” I say, but they interrupt me.
By Mat | Published:
March 22, 2006
‘Can I help you?’
‘Thanks but I don’t really like tea.’
It is Fitzroy, 2003 and the sales assistant at Tea Intersection shrugs.
‘Have you considered the possibility that you might be in the wrong place?’ she suggests.
‘All the time,’ I say. It was supposed to be flippant, but she checks the panic button.
By Mat | Published:
December 23, 2005
There’s a man coming to fix my TV, which tried to neck itself last week after inadvertently being left on for a whole episode of Threshold, and the repair company is only able to give me an appointment time accurate to the nearest geological epoch.
So I’m forced to spend a whole day stuck inside the house waiting for him to come, a job made much more difficult by the necessity to avoid the fact that it’s a normal work day and I should be inside the house anyway, actually working. Here’s how it goes:
