The following true story contains a greater proportion of uncouth words than is normally tolerated here at matlarkin.com. In keeping with our federal government’s push for a return to traditional family values, therefore, these have been substituted with family-friendly equivalents and italicised for reference. We trust this will not affect the reading experience. Thank you for your time.

What are we to do, when the impending choice is between the Devil and an eejit?

The LaTrobe Reading Room at the State Library of Victoria is possessed of such a tranquil, scholarly ambience that, in order to remind the reader of the perfect serenity he or she is privileged to enjoy, it has had to be randomly seeded with unoiled chairs which scream at the lightest touch like a bed full of climaxing banshees.