That’s It, I’m Tex­ting 000

“Tanya, don’t look now, but—”

“Hang on Kylie, I’m just tex­ting Steve.”

“Oh.”

“s-t-a-r-d. Right, done, what’s your problem?”

“Don’t look now, but there’s a weird guy behind you.”

“Where—”

“I said don’t look!”

“Alright, alright, keep your top off. What’s he doing?”

“He’s just off the bike path at the top of the beach, gasp­ing and moan­ing and claw­ing at his hel­met. I think he might be a sex pervert.”

“Should I text 000?”

“Oh God, he’s just taken off his hel­met and he’s all purple underneath.”

“That’s it, I’m tex­ting 000.”

“What a sicko, com­ing down to the beach just to stare at the top­less girls and turn purple. Look, his legs are wob­bling, it’s horrible.”

“It’s not working.”

“He’s prob­ably got a cam­era attached to that bike. I’ve seen it on the inter­net. Look, he’s gone a funny grey col­our now.”

“I’ll try again. ‘Pls cme tke awy sx prvrt frm StKlda bch. xxx, Tanya.’”

“They ride all the way down here on their bikes on a hot day and they look at girls and then they lean on their bikes and clutch at their chests, and the next thing you know your boobs are pleas­ur­ing teen­aged inter­net knob-jockeys all over the world.”

“000 won’t take my text. Typ­ical Howard Gov­ern­ment bastards.”

“I’ve a good mind to put my top on and tell him off.”

“Screw them. I bet this is all Vanstone’s fault. Why are you put­ting your top back on, Kylie?”

“I’m tak­ing charge, Tanya.”

“Which guy is he, anyway?”

“That guy right there.”

“Jesus, Kylie, he’s only ten feet away! He can hear everything we’re saying!”

“Then he should know to go and be a wally some­where else.”

“Are you sure he’s a sex per­vert? He looks just like a knackered cyc­list hav­ing a mild car­diac event to me.”

“With that physique?”

“Good point. Well, I don’t care any­way, I’m strip­ping down to my bikini.”

“Okay, but just – Tanya, you’re pulling your bikini bot­toms off with your shorts!”

“Shit! Did the weird guy see?”

“It’s hard to tell – he’s act­ing like he’s passed out.”

“Typ­ical.”

“What a pervert.”