Today on Springer…

“Every­day girls with kinky fetishes”

JERRY — so Haley, you’re clearly a strip­per in lingerie we’ve hired to come on today, tell us about your fet­ish, which we’ve just made up for you.

HALEY — I like to kiss girls wear­ing lip­stick — here’s my friend/colleague Karly to demonstrate.

Enter KARLY, in lingerie — they kiss.

CROWD — Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

JERRY — Okay, you’re here to tell your boy­friend your dark secret — let’s bring him on!

Enter BIG FAT REVOLTING MEATHEAD

CROWD — Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

MEATHEAD — Hi Jerry.

JERRY — Haley, tell Meat­head your secret.

HALEY — I like to kiss girls wear­ing lip­stick. This is Karly.

KARLY — Hi.

MEATHEAD — [gurg­ling noises]

JERRY — How do you feel, Meathead?

MEATHEAD — I think I might have just won the lot­tery, Jerry. Tell me, how can I become a more par­ticpat­ive ele­ment of this shabby por­no­graphic burlesque?

JERRY — Well it’s quite simple…

HALEY — I want you to put on lip­stick right now Meat­head, and you can ful­fill every big fat revolt­ing meathead’s taw­driest dream.

MEATHEAD — I have to put on lipstick?

HALEY — [pro­du­cing lip­stick tube from cleav­age] Yes.

MEATHEAD — Right here?

KARLY — [pro­du­cing lip­stick tube from cleav­age] Yes.

MEATHEAD — Right now?

JERRY — Yes. And two hired strip­pers you could never afford, one of whom is pre­tend­ing bey­ond all reas­on­able expect­a­tion and sev­eral laws of phys­ics to be your girl­friend, will kiss you.

MEATHEAD — But let me get this clear — I’d have to put on lip­stick on camera?

CROWD — YES!

MEATHEAD — Gee Jerry, I’m not so sure… I don’t want people to think I’m some kind of homo…

ME — You dumb fu– [unin­tel­li­gible chok­ing noises] –stu­pid fat son of a– [non-specific apo­plectic rage noises] –arse ten-hot-dog-eating stupid-beard moron– [falls off couch onto remote con­trol, which changes TV to inter­view program]

JOHN HOWARD — …and I’m entirely sat­is­fied that our rela­tion­ship with the United States remains a strong bond of equals between two proud, great nations.

ME — [spon­tan­eously combusts]