Monthly Archives: June 2005

Small, green plastic frogs

Due to recent advances, I can now reveal the first and last line of The Last Monk. It begins with ‘The house is sud­denly filled with music’, and ends with the words ‘small, green plastic frogs’.

It’s a philo­soph­ical piece, obviously.

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Break­ing the dam

There isn’t really an effect­ive way to describe it: I woke up Monday morn­ing feel­ing pos­it­ive, went through my nor­mal Monday morn­ing ablu­tions and habits in a per­fectly nor­mal Monday morn­ing kind of way, sat down at the com­puter, turned it on, opened the cor­rect file, and seized like an oil­less motor.

Posted in fairy-floss, not writing, writing | Comments closed

The Ninety-Thousand Man

Mile­stones are a strange busi­ness. I’ve never had a prob­lem with motiv­a­tion writ­ing this novel, except when driven to soul­less des­pair by some of the insaner moments of a list­less career in uni­ver­sity admin­is­tra­tion, yet I do tend to go a bit wild when my word-odometer passes a num­ber with four zer­oes in it.

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The cock­tail shaker

Halfway through the week, I’ve added a few thou­sand words and laid down the bed­rock for about half of the climax.

These intense typ­ing ses­sions are very unusual: I nor­mally sit down to the blank cursor feel­ing as though I’m lean­ing out over a cliff and the wind is turn­ing. I know what plot is required, but how am I sup­posed to make it excit­ing and inter­est­ing? What will people say?

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Tempt­ing hats, kinky chairs and reverse-somersaulting climaxes

I’ve spent much of the last three weeks inform­ing the reader (also the spouse, the neigh­bour and the teen-aged sales assist­ant at J.B. HiFi) of my rev­el­a­tion that before I could type a single word of the grand cli­max of The Last Monk, time would be required to per­col­ate, to mull, and gen­er­ally to walk around parks scowl­ing at ducks in the vain hope that someone would ask me what I was look­ing so thought­ful about.

Quite a bit of time, I thought. About a fortnight. 

As it hap­pens, it took about six hours.

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The Inform­a­tion Super-Savannah

Typ­ing is not writ­ing in the same way that a cock­tail shaker is not a jug of mar­gar­itas. Discuss.

The more you want to write, the more you will have to type, and the ratio is expo­nen­tial. A simple email to a col­league can usu­ally be banged off in a single, barely-considered pass, whereas any let­ter you have to write to your car insur­ance com­pany will require at least three fully-edited drafts to con­struct the pre­cise series of logical state­ments which best explain the entirely inno­cent phys­ical cir­cum­stances which lead you to shunt a Mr Whippy van into a hearse.

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Fitzger­ald House, Part Two

As prom­ised, here is the second part of the Fitzger­ald House extract. It’s shorter than the first and takes up the story from Mr. Peabody’s angle. Kate has fled, so there is no one to say whether what is about to hap­pen is real or entirely the product of Peabody’s frac­tured mind.

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How to make a sandwich

Wel­come to the latest in this con­tinu­ing series of instruc­tional guides to the sandwich-making art. Today’s recipe, the Bacon, Lettuce and Tomato Grill for Nov­el­ists, was learned dur­ing a six-month study tour of the finest sand­wicher­ies of Paris, from a tra­di­tional French sand­wichier whose great-great-grandfather claimed to have received the recipe from Vic­tor Hugo in 1831 after a par­tic­u­larly messy bender dur­ing the early drafts of The Hunch­back of Notre-Dame.

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The con­sult­ant in the fruit box

I did some quick sums a couple of days ago and real­ised that my final act is now sev­enty pages long, and I haven’t even got to the really excit­ing bit yet.

This gave me an excuse to do some­thing I’ve always enjoyed, which is edit­ing in widescreen. Because there’s a lot of mater­ial, and the changes I anti­cip­ated would most likely involve shuff­ling big chunks of text around, the best way to do it is to print the whole thing out, spread it out on the floor and scan it from a dis­tance to let the large-scale struc­tures reveal themselves.

Here then is what my liv­ing room floor looked like this morning:

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