Mat is re-writing his website, which will very soon abound with all manner of illuminations and entertainments. In the meantime, why not:

Read his last blog post?

• Raining cats and dogs and blokes in high-vis vests
• A cherry-picker investigates a tree from the inside.

Browse the whole blog?

• http://matlarkin.com/blog

Or settle into a comfy chair with a few of Mat’s own favourites?

• I like your trousers
• “Goodness, they fit so well!” he says. “That’s it, I must have them. Whip them off.”
• Of human Bondage
• It is exciting and violent and it awakens an urge deep in my bladder.
• Burglar by appointment
• Does she think I think her lamp is ugly? That I mock her set of red shelves with hand-painted pink spots?
• Girlie Grey
• Two days later, after a long and thirsty walk in the Black Forest, it takes an hour to persuade me, with admonishments that a entire nation is not trying to kill me just because its hostels offer marinated chicken wings for breakfast, out from under the blow-up lilo in Astrid’s spare room.
• Unfavourable in appearance, development or behaviour
• My bladder is shy and I don’t care who knows it, as long as they don’t know it while standing next to me at a urinal.
• Truth, beauty and above all quantum superposition
• A giant monkey-lobster creature in harlequin tights enters the kitchen in a dune buggy at that moment and asks me what I am doing under there.
• The other Georgia
• There is a man looking in my study window from the back yard. I suddenly can’t remember where I keep the cricket bat.
• The funniest thing I’ll ever say
• You’ll never be that funny ever again. It’s all downhill from here.
• I believe I can fly
• Then you can’t come parachuting with me.
• A conspiracy of feathered simpletons
• He and I have spent the daylight hours of the last eleven weeks like a pair of isolated lighthouse keepers, which is to say composing sea shanties, threatening to murder each other and periodically going mad.
• Today on Springer …
• “I think I might have just won the lottery, Jerry. Tell me, how can I become a more particpative element of this shabby pornographic burlesque?”
• Englischschlichacha
• We turned a final corner and walked numbly up to a red door, which the teacher threw open like Gene Wilder in the Chocolate Factory.
• The information super-savannah
• Typing is not writing in the same way that a cocktail shaker is not a jug of margaritas. Discuss.
• How to make a sandwich
• Step one: As early as possible, preferably when you are eight, decide to become a novelist.
• The consultant in the fruit box
• If you’ve ever succumbed to the tempatation to see what it would be like if you tried all three flavours from the Neapolitan ice-cream tub at once and found yourself ten minutes later frowning at a bowlful of unhappy grey sludge, you will have some sense of my disappointment.
• Whatever’s about to happen, I was there
• From him came a flood of other ideas, from the outbreak of civil war in a marching band to the exquisite, liberating sensation of pushing a stilt-walking juggler off a pier.
• Day Zero
• I began work on my first novel, The Last Monk, five years ago. It is now 81,038 words long, with a forecast for fine, sunny and 95,000 by October.